Why I am never happy?

Why I am never happy? This question has been stuck in my head for a few days now. I am taking this human growth & development class and we have this assignment asking if we are more Nature which what we get from our parents or Nurture which is the environment around us. Well I ended up coming along this question about emotions. My mom she is always smiling, laughing, she never cries unless it involves disappointing us or her and my step-father separating and when she gets mad she yells. Me on the other hand I don't smile, I don't laugh, I hardly cry, when I am mad I kind of get out of control. So I asked my teacher what she meant and she said "Are you more like mom when she's sad, angry, happy?" I ended up telling her "It's hard to make me happy" and she asked "Why are you never happy? and give me and experience." Picking an experience is hard because when I look back on my life there was a lot of events that has happened to me. So I am going to answer the question and then everyone can know.

 

When I was in my mother's stomach I almost died so they had to give her a C-Section to get me out and after my mother had me is was still living with her parents and her parents didn't get a long at long. I would in the other room listening to all the fighting. Then When I hit 6 months old I ended up taking serizures and we don't know how they started or why they started because all the way up to me being 6 months old I had never taken a serizure. Because of my taking serizures I ended up almost dying 3 times in one day. Right when I started to take them I felt like the fighting between everyone stopped but then I ended up getting better. I wasn't taking serizures anymore and right when I stopped taking them my grandparents separated and I was stuck in physical therapy and speech therapy because I couldn't crawl, walk, talk or anything that I did do before I took serizures. I grew up not knowing my grandpa. I felt like it was my fault that he left. A few years later I had 2 younger sisters, a grandpa who is remarried and wants back into our lifes. It was like he cared about the other two more than he cared about me and I was his first grandchild. When I was 9 I played soccer and I invitied him and his wife to come watch me play and they said that they would come watch me. The day of my soccer game they never showed up at all and the thing that hurt the most is the fact that he says he wants to be in our lifes but yet he's not even trying. He not once showed up to a talent show, assembly where I was performing a song or getting an award, not a cross country meet, no soccer games, and didn't show up to my track & field events. When I got first place out of my whole school when we were trying out for the track & field time he didn't care or whenever I got an award or a trophy or a metal. It was like I was not good enough. But then one day I am getting ready for my track race and I look over to see my grandpa, my step-grandma, my mother's step brother and his girlfriend standing there watching me and in that one moment I felt like I was good enough and that they were proud of me but then I saw my cousin running across the field to her event which wasn't far from my race. When they blew that wristle I took off running and I was in first place but when I went to turn the corner and I saw them staring at me I got nervous because I was scared to let them down and I ended up twisting my knee. I couldn't walk on that leg for days and when it happened they didn't ask if I was okay or anything. They didn't even say nice job or you tried. But whenever they made a mistake they would buy me stuff like a fishing rod or a karaoke machine or would offer us to sleepover. I remember this one time my parents, my auntie and uncle all had to go out of town because my grandma needed heart surgery well my grandparents said that they would take us until they got back. They ordered a lot of pizza and I was nervous and scared about my grandma so I ended up eating a lot I ate 16 slices of pizza and when I was on my 16th slice of pizza my step-grandma bitched at me and told me that I wasn't allowed to have anymore. Then 7th grade came and this guy came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant. That's when I realized that my grandparents might of have been ashamed of how I looked. After that I hardly ate. When my mom would give me a lunch I would eat one thing or when I had money I would get one thing and then I would skip breakfast. But when I got into high school my friends would basically force me to eat because I wouldn't eat my lunch or buy anything to eat and at home they noticed that I wasn't eat much either. In the 4th grade me and this one guy started dating and my grandpa and my step-grandma said that I was way to young to be dating. But my cousin that is in like the 8th grade isn't to young to be dating and she already had 7 boyfriends and I don't think you can have 7 boyfriends in just 6 months unless they are only a week- a month long. When I hit about 14 they moved out of town and they promised to call us and what happened. They only called once and then never again did they call. They didn't even come see my graduate from grade 8. Something that sucks to is they moved back last year and they only live a few streets away from us and they only came over once out of a year almost 2 years. Then my mom's step sister only works around the corner from us and she went and told her mother that I called her auntie. When I never did. Then my auntie and uncle came over and they told me that my grandpa would say that I am his girl, that I love him, that they are proud of me but yet they don't like me having pericings, they don't like me dying my hair, they don't like me having tattoos, they don't like me wearing makeup and they hate the clothes a wear because they say my clothes are to inapprotiate but yet my cousin that is in the 8th grade can wear belly shirts that goes just below her boobs and she even got naked on video chat with some older guy. Then when I am having boy issues they stick their nose into my business and is like "Oh we don't want you to get hurt" or "We are just looking out for you". Oh and one day I ran into my grandpa at the store and he said hi to my mother and my sisters but completely ignored the fact that I was there. For the last 18 years I have felt that I was never good enough for them or I did something for them to hate me but love my sisters. They aren't even coming to my high school graduation and they never wish me a happy birthday. I'm invisible to them. Other reasons why I am never happy is growing up my parents fought a lot, my uncle was arrested so we couldn't go on our summer trip that we would take every year, my uncle and step-father had gotten into 2 fights and one led the cops to be involved, my step-father would yell at me for every little thing I did that he didn't like, my mother actually would have to get in between me and my step-father because that's how bad me and him would go at each other. Then while that was all going on I was also getting bullied on social media and at school. Then I had health issues and to this day I still have health issues. oh and then I just found out that my step-father isn't my biological father. I am never happy because I lived hating myself.

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Comments (4)

  1. varuben

    in the same way I lived so for many years, in that same pain. In the end I deny many part of my happiness, because I can’t be accept for people, not only my family. In this case all the mom and dad family.
    Anyway, I found good people, they are few, but they accept me. It is ok. I live far from family. I don call them or contact, I know their answers and way of be. It is the tip…find people who accept you.
    I have health problems too. hugs for you

    February 24, 2017
  2. felicitybrown

    first of all I hope that things are much better for you since this post but here’s a little advice from Ms. Felicity never let anyone family or friends define who you are we are all here for a reason and if others don’t see it than to bad for them always continue to be who you are but never turn a deaf ear to instruction you said that your cousin I believe it was could do a lot of things you couldn’t and got away with things you didn’t you must remember that she is older than you I didn’t agree to my daughter wearing make up having a boyfriend and going out on dates at 14 either she didn’t like it then but it made her into a wonderful mother now and please realize that other people other than family can provide you with support sometimes even better than family so in other words always know your self worth appreciate what others have to offer to you for support and never forget that if YOU don’t think that you are the best then never expect others to BECAUSE IT ALL STARTS AND END WITH YOU!!!!!

    March 07, 2017
    1. invisiblegirl173

      My one cousin is in 8th grade and the other cousin is grade 11. I’m 18 and grade 12 heading to university this September that is coming up. I’m older than basically all my cousins.

      March 07, 2017
      1. felicitybrown

        ok congratulations so knowing that we as caretakers/parents can see the success in our children and therefore push some more than others it’s only out of love and concern because we know the adult they can become

        March 07, 2017